Backhanded

My worker’s comp audit was this afternoon, where the nice gentleman from the insurance company shows up to review our records to determine the previous year’s premium and make sure that we’re not hiding any workers.

He really just needs last year’s total payroll so he can multiply that by a small number. The result is so small that our premium would be exactly the same if we had 5 times the payroll. However, it’s still important to explain to me that if we were hiding workers, then he’d see that in our bank records if he examined our bank records. But he’s going to do me a favor and not look at our bank records. And if we were hiding workers, then he’d see that in our tax return if he examined our tax return. But he’s going to do me a favor and not look at our tax return. And if he decided that we really had a warehouse, then he’d have to rerate the premium for warehouse workers instead of the catch-all clerical category. But he doesn’t think he needs to do that. Not because he believes that I’m providing all of the relevant records, or because he believes that I’ve given correct and complete information to him and to my insurance agent, or because he believes that I’m intent on following Massachusetts and federal law. No, it’s because he’s a nice guy, and he’s happy to have an easy audit, and there’s no reason to be picky.

I’d rather he actually accuse me of something, so I could actually defend myself.